How Selling Helped Me Heal and Reconnect With my Abuser

Seller Sellers’ Perspective

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TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse, Depression, Suicide

This is very scatterbrained and a bit vague at parts, but I just really wanted to share this personal story!

Enduring Abuse

At a very young age, my father began to abuse me emotionally, verbally, and mentally. It went on for 14 years, yet it was only in the 9th or 10th year of it that I realized what was happening. My father had been raised in a strict, Catholic, Polish household where he was brought up a very certain way. It was just tough love, and he was treating me the exact same way his parents had treated him, so of course, him doing the same to me had to be, just fine, right?

He threatened to lock me in a dark bedroom when I was ten, because it was late at night and I was scared to walk down the dark hallway to my room on my own, so obviously that would fix it.

I learned to play so many sports and strive for perfectionism in all of them to make him proud because obviously I was the problem. It was still never enough for him, there was always something I could be better at.

I have ADHD and possibly undiagnosed autism, so I'm forgetful at best. Every forgotten chore was always clearly an act of rebellion directed right at him.

I was suicidal for a long time until one day, purely out of spite, I decided that he wasn't allowed to outlive me.

Escape and Sex Work

Eventually I got out and away from him and he seemed totally blindsided by it all, and at the time, I thought he was just gaslighting and being generally manipulative. I was so excited to get out and never look back! I worked retail for a year after graduating and started my sex work career at 18 as an online girlfriend and foot fetish model. I had beaten depression by this point, but my perception of myself had been destroyed over the last 14 years. So being told that I was a goddess, beautiful beyond compare, to have people pay actual money to see me, talk to me, play games with me, and generally fantasize about calling me their own as something to brag about to others was an amazing confidence boost and I got hooked from there.

I had taken a few breaks and hopped around as I saw my regular clients go, but I was still active most days of the year in communities like this. It taught me so much about the world, perception, and myself. I learned to love my body through all the fluctuations it goes through and to treat it well. I love looking at myself and my imperfections in the mirror now! I learned how to safely explore kinks and scenarios outside my immediate comfort zone. Me? Enjoying peeing on someone? That's so icky, how could I ever get into that??? And now it's probably one of the top things that gets me going. I also learned, most importantly, to say no to something that made me uncomfortable, or I simply have no interest doing, no matter the price tag attached to it.

Reconnecting with My Abuser

Long story short, I improved upon myself greatly over the past few years, and eventually… I reconnected with my dad. I was confident in myself, in a good mental place, and I was admittedly curious on how he was doing; if me leaving like I had had been sort of a wakeup call that he had fucked up. And it seemed like it had. He wasn't and still isn't perfect, but he apologized genuinely for what he had done, and as far as I can tell is putting active effort into not doing anything harmful again. Even after all he put me through, he was still my dad, and I loved and missed him, because deep down there were happy memories too of him teaching me how to hold a baseball bat, standing on his shoes to dance together, wheeling around on his motorcycle, and blaring out country music so off key it probably should have been a crime, and I was hopeful that I could maybe make more of those with him.

Conclusion

Reaching out and reconnecting with abusers is not a good course of action for everyone, and for the longest time, I thought I would never talk to him again. Maybe regardless of the path I had taken I still would have wound up reaching out just out of curiosity, but I genuinely do not think that things would have gone nearly as well. Because of my time in this community and finding value in myself, I gained the confidence to correct him if he said something less than stellar and the like. So, I'm extremely happy to say that we are well on our way to fixing a very broken familial relationship and I can't wait to see what else I learn about myself and how else I grow.

Thanks so much for reading this word vomit,

Delilah

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